Saturday, February 17, 2018

Losing Homeschooling

I am not going to go into the details, but my whole life got turned upside down this fall.  I had everything I had desired.  I had my three boys, I was staying home and homeschooling.  We had the best schedule and the best set up.  Spanish class at a local co-op, support from a teacher through a local homeschool charter school and a network of homeschooling families that are just amazing.  My kids had tons of wonderful friends and a well balanced day to day life.  Best of all, I got to spend so much wonderful time with them.

And then I faced a choice, save my family or hold onto homeschooling.  Of course, my greatest desire, is for my family to stay whole.  So I had to let go of the dream and hang on to Christ.  There were too many fears and unknowns for me to try to carry.  I just couldn't do it on my own.

Step one, get my boys established at school.  If we weren't going to be homeschooling I really wanted them to go to school at our church's school.  I knew they would be surrounded by amazing people because I have gone to church with many of them for years.  I knew they would be surrounded by prayer and Christ's love through a challenging time in our lives.  So I reached out and we were beyond blessed with a wonderful scholarship.

Next we set up a time to come visit their classrooms while I talk with the principal.  I pick them up from recess a little while later and the boys were BEAMING.  "Mom, sign me up!" Lachlan exclaims.  My heart smiles, just a little.

Now here comes the big day.  One of my biggest anxieties going into this day was what to pack for their lunches!  No kidding.  Food is not my strongest asset and having them home I could just grab anything.  But cold lunches, everyday, filled with stuff they will actually eat!! What!?!?!  It literally sent me over the edge.  I got that fear figured out by picking up a cool lunch Tupperware container thing.  :)  If I filled each section everyday, they should be good.  Not only that, but I had friends stock up on boxes of grab and go items from Costco.  I have the best community of friends.  Okay, lunches packed.

Up next, the waking up early part.  Suck.  It's still dark when we have to get up.  I tried to prepare us by setting an alarm and slowly moving up the time to the actual time in which we would have to get up.  When the day came, it wasn't so bad.  But they were also super excited.

We are up, we have our lunches packed and our backpacks on.
 Lachlan, ready for his first day!

One thing that really helped with this transition is that they were already attending the morning program at our homeschool charter school two days a week.  So the classroom environment and having to get out the door in the morning wasn't too big of a shock.

And then, I drove away, from MY boys.  I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed all day.

People, I missed them.

The first day the time moved slowly.  The second day, I still cried, but the time they were away went a little faster and then a little faster.

I had many people surround me and my family and pray for us.  And that is what got us through.

I had one person tell me, this change doesn't have to last forever, maybe you will be able to homeschool again.  That helped.  The same person told me that fears and anxieties are not of the Lord.  From that day forward, every time I had those feelings creep up I prayed and I let go.  This happened every hour for a while.  Maybe more often.

I was able to experience what another friend called "stupid peace".  Peace during a time when there should have been no peace in my heart.

We have had a few hiccups.  The boys weren't where they needed to be in their writing skills specifically.  Third grade seemed like a little bit too much for my oldest so we adjusted a few weeks in and tried second grade, where he is thriving.  We've had backpacks left in the car and one day it took an hour and a half to convince my oldest son to go to school.  There were some behaviors and disobedience to work through.  But God is good, all the time, God is good.

I was able to attend the first chapel the boys attended at school and a young boy in Peter's class got up in front and said he wanted to pray for the new kids at school, that they feel comfortable and love school.  It melted. my. heart.  It also turns out that school is a better place for Lachlan right now.  He really didn't see any reason why he needed to learn the things his Mother was trying to teach him and we were frequently butting heads.  I was beginning to feel like it was holding him back.  But he is a competitive boy, and seeing what his peers are doing has really motivated him, not defeated him as I feared.

But through another rocky patch the boys had consistency, and that is what I had hoped school would bring.

I still miss them.  And I often find myself in moments of despair wondering what's the point of this life.  I mean, is this what society wants of us, to never be together as a family?  It sucks.  I get my family on evenings and weekends.  My whole life consists of "getting through the week".

I just keep praying for God to give me a new perspective.  For him to continually refresh my spirit.

If you are in a time in your life where you also may lose homeschooling or have already lost it, you are not alone.  It's HARD, really hard.  But there can be good mixed in too.   I pray that God will carry you through, as he has for me.

Next up, going back to work and finding childcare!!!  Ack.

1 comment:

  1. That must have been such a challenging time to go through, Tracy! You have a great attitude of focusing on what your family needs right now and all of the positives that your boys are getting from their schools. I love that you are willing to share the tough things too. I think as moms sometimes we hold too much of the challenging things in. Knowing that others are going through that tough time too can help us as we are going through those tough times. I will be praying for you and your family through this new stage in your life!